A critiquALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!

A conversation I had with a classmate recently went somewhat like this...

Me: So there I was looking at the official website of the interpol, and I saw their wanted list, where they have pictures of the criminals. And they had the same chick twice with the same name and only the d.o.b was different. One stated 4 March and the other one 3 April, so you see what went on there, it's because you Americans use such a funny date format.

Him: Wait, what were you doing on the interpol website?

Me: Oh, uh... I was looking to see if I was in it.

Him: What?

Me: Yeah, I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Him: WTF?

Me: Yeah, you know... Johnny Cash? No? Dammit, no one gets it.

Him: You were just trying to see if there were any attractive women on the wanted list huh?

Me: Yeah :| what can I say? I don't know how to justify it. Fuck you man!

Him; haha!

----------------------------------------------------

In other news, Futurama is back with Season 6 and I like the first two episodes very much. I am so glad they bought it back. Futurama is my all time favorite show, nothing can compare to its meta-humor, physics references and general nerdiness. Nothing! And I think the reason I like it so much is because my humor resembles its the most. So which show do you think your humor most closely matches?

And people... That was not a rhetorical question. Spend a minute or two and reply you lazy ass bums!

Also, you can see my mood has considerably improved the last few hours, I think this time it will last for a while. Until someone comes along and messes it up again that is.

India Whining.

It has been a while since I have posted anything that has been popular with the readers, that includes you, yeah you! I am speaking to you. Anyway, with the decrease in my readership due to the scarcity of updates and the decrease in quality of my posts, I see that the average visits per day has reduced to about 3-4.


Your author in a few weeks if the current readership levels(or the lack thereof)continue, and if he changes his race

Being the eternal optimist that I am, I have decided to look at the brighter side of said downturn. I realize that now that the people who usually come here are mostly just passing ephemera, I am going to not censor myself as I was doing earlier, the reasoning earlier was to not to alienate the readers. Now, I ask "what readers?"

So no more being politically correct, no more trying to be "within the limits of decency" and no more "fabrication" because we are a news disseminating agency goddammit, and I will not sacrifice my journalistic integrity anymore!!!

So here is my next piece of journalistic brilliance:

The All New Karbage List of People whose Parents should have Aborted them or in short The List of Unsuccessful Abortions:

5) Number five on the list is, surprisingly for some, this "Genius" why? because a) he does not know how to win a fucking match case in point: The Mumbai 1ndians. and b)Looking at his endorsements, you'd think the guy were bankrupt to stoop low enough to endorse some of the products he does case in point his endorsement for "Tiger Biscuits" Tiger biscuits??? WTF???


Give me some money and I will endorse Fascism if needed.

4)Fourth place goes to this prime specimen of what's gone wrong with our country:


The poof mommy feels y'all yeoh!!! peace out mah bizzles!

I mean who is she? What cave did she crawl out of to accept the post? I had never heard of her before. She looks like they took out a character from the India page of the "Handbook of Racist Caricatures of the People of the World" and breathed life into it. Who is it going to be next? A hindoo snakeman in a turban who can do the Indian Rope trick.

Who is it going to be next? This guy?




3) Third place goes to this unwanted piece of skin around an enormous asshole:


Totally not gay, y'all!

Why? only because he thinks he is a "king" of some sort and hence needs to constantly blow kisses for his circle-jerk fans (lest they die from teh cock deficiency) whenever the fucking cameraman pans to him. He is a king alright; The Faggot King of Douchebaggery.

2) The second place goes to none other than our favorite "writer," Hahahaohoh haha oh wow! no seriously, some people actually do consider her to be one.


like I am like 62 ya know but like I totally behave like I am like 16 like.

If by chance you do read her "articles" in the Times you'd think it was written by a 16 year old sorority chick who's just snorted some Xanax and guzzled a bucket load of cum from her latest blockbuster movie; one of the bukkake persuasion. The sheer banality of her writing and its utter lack of style or substance is enough to disorient and confuse the smartest of readers. So you can imagine what happens to a moron such as myself if he or she tries.

But the ultimate disorienting experience is the fact that above her article is usually an article by a sane, and intelligent writer like M.J.Akbar who clearly knows what he is doing.

1) And the grand prize winner is none other than our friendly neighborhood failed state:



One might wonder why, because a typical day there looks like this:


In Arcadia Ego???

I can't seem to say why.


So there you go, I hope you had fun, and boy have I invited a shitstorm with this one. Ah! fuck it, safe is boring.

monkey business again

Originally published Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Here is a short 'story' I had written a while back, it was liked so I thought I would put it up here again. It's been long anyway.

Monkey Business.

Meanwhile, back at TeeCeeEss on the day of the big 'Client Visit', a day when the clients visit the development center to make sure their money is being spent in the right areas.

Characters:

Mr Deepak: Project Manager, has hung around at the company because no other company would even dare touch him. Earns literally a few peanuts per day. Is very happy.

Peepee: A wild rhesus monkey. Has a penchant for throwing his faeces at people when irritated. Earns a few peanuts per day, isn't happy, wants more.

Mr Rahul: A programmer who adores the company, is willing to work 20 hours a day at the expense of his personal life, so much so that he hasn't any left anymore. Earns a peanut a day. Is very happy. In fact feels he doesn't do enough work to deserve a WHOLE peanut.

Mr Jack: A gullible American. Thinks that all Indians are so cool! can't digest the fact that the kids at the center are almost 30-40 years younger to him. Earns so much money, I can't even count till there. Is not happy, wants more to pay for the mortgage on his villa.

------------------------

Act 1
=====

It is 9 AM, every one is busy trying to look busy.

The Client comes in to the development center with his entourage of white colleagues and some Indian suckups, it is the middle of the day on a hot summer Friday and they are wearing suits. The Slaves Zombies Programmers have been denied that little joy and have been asked to come wearing formals on casual Friday so that the lowly Indians look a bit more presentable to the White folk.

The client's 'posse' stops near a group of Slaves Zombies Programmers, who have been coached.

Mr Rahul: Sir, we write code here that takes the information coming from the US, and then we use Fermat's last theorem as a cost effective leverage to extract the required information, on which we apply an nth derivative fractal transform, and we convert the dollar amount into rupees. We then map the values onto a 3-dimensional matrix space which is np determined which allows us to get a dollar amount back again. We then pass this back to you.

Mr Jack: I like the sound of that. I mean Wow, Impressive! Do you guys need anything else ?

Mr Deepak: Oh yes, we would like you to increase the contract rate to 40$ an hour.

Mr Jack: Sure, sure, anything, I like your team's dedication.

Mr Deepak: Oh and one more thing Mr Jack, we would like you to pass the directive for a new 'team-member'. His name is Peepee. I would like your permission to initiate his VISA process.

Mr Jack: well, Indian names are difficult to pronounce aren't they ?

Mr Deepak: someone, call Peepee.

(Peepee is escorted to the entourage)

(Mr Jack is perplexed.)

Mr Jack:Are you sure you want THIS... ?

Mr Deepak: Oh yes sir.

Mr Jack: But...it is a monkey!

Sir! 'HE' is a new recruit
[he is sensitive about being called it, sir] (he whispers).
He is a brilliant programmer, we need him to leverage the...

(Mr Jack cuts in)

Mr Jack: Yeah, yeah, I understand, but...

Mr Rahul: Sir, he will bring productivity up by 49.8641%

Mr Jack: Ok, Ok, Initiate the process. By the way, what is his skill set ?

Mr Deepak: Well, he is proficient in Java, .NET, PERL, HTML, CSS, SAP, PHP and poop throwing.

Mr Jack: poop what ?

SPLAT!

pastime nay! timepass

Now, during the last US presidential debate, McCain walked off stage in the wrong direction, after which he proceeded to vent his surprise over this faux pas, in the most delicate, controlled, and dignified manner that only a possible future leader of a country can:



Funny eh ?
anyway, it seems that now, this is turning into some sort of meme. With people taking advantage of the plethora of options that such an awesome snap throws up, especially the creative ones. So what are you waiting for ? start that illegal copy of PS CS3 that you have, and go crazy.

Here is one that is just downright hilarious [I am not sure what license this has, nor who made it, but it is awesome all the same. So, apologies to the creator.]:

China rising ?

While the whole world is marveling at the supposedly 'spectacular' opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics, I just happened to see this documentary which managed to find concrete evidence of China's involvement in the Darfur crisis. Coupled with China's actions in Tibet, Its intrusions into India, and its support for terrorist countries like Pakistan, one would be excused if he were to think that China it seems, wants to take over the world.

And then the official slogan of the Olympics starts to make sense; "One World, One Dream" or would they rather it be 'One World, One Country: China!'

So anyway, back to Darfur, where, unsurprisingly, the Arab north is trying to wipe out the non-Arab south in a bid to control the oil deposits present there [they have a thing about introducing sharia law or something too]. Now, the UN has been taking care of similar conflicts the world over and has been doing an o-k-a-y job [that is assuming; you haven't seen 'No man's land' in which case I am not fooling anyone]

The main problems are created by these people called the janjaweed who roam around on their gallant steads, with their modern weaponry killing men and gang raping women at will.

Here is a typical janjaweed soldier in his natural habitat:[No, seriously]


Looking at them, one would think that wiping them out would be an easy job especially considering the fact that the modern soldier in his typical habitat looks a bit like this:



I would think a zerg rush of about 5 such soldiers could wipe out the entire janjaweed in a matter of hours, no ?

In other news, India seems to have gotten off to a spectacular start in the Olympics, you know I am kidding right? but the funny part would be the timing of this channel I saw on TV, while the news channels kept blasting the Indian shooters and the archers for their absolutely pathetic 'performances' (more like debacles, amirite ?) this particular channel kept showing slow motion, sepia tinted, pseudo emotional shots of these very same players while saying that these were India's brightest hopes for a medal and that some guy among them was adjudged best athlete in some lame-ass regional sporting tournament and so on and so forth.

Divine allegory

The time: 12 AM IST on the 5th of June in the year of our lord; 2008 aka just a while ago.

Characters:

Victorus: Good for nothing nobody

Pluvius: A certain somebody, studying to be the evil mastermind of the universe.

The Setting: Cyberspace.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Act 1


Scene 1

Victorus: so what else ?

Pluvius: trying to figure out linux stuff.

Victorus: screw it man.

Pluvius: I feel so 'given up' that I wouldn't even care if some one held me at gun point.

Victorus: haha swordfish style ?

Pluvius: I would say "yeah whatever"
if I got shot and killed.

Victorus: haha.

Pluvius: my soul would rise and up and also say "yeah whatever."

Victorus: haha,
fuck, you should write this stuff down man
you are damn funny.

Pluvius: and god says I shall go to hell,
again : "yeah whatever."

Victorus: haha,
copy this!

Pluvius: devil says "I am gonna fuck you in the ass."
again : "yeah whatever."

Victorus: and put it up on your blog.
bitch!

Victorus: Holy shit, that is hilarious!

Pluvius: hahaha.

Victorus: no, seriously
do it or I will.

Pluvius: I am too shy to put this up man
you do it, I will link :D

Victorus: Of course I am going to.

--------------------------------------------

A Special Thanks to a dear friend, who undoubtedly provides the punch lines for the exchange, and who is also my oldest friend (for the past 13 years) for the inspiration and for being one of the 2 losers in this conversation, Varun.

Read this; true story!

The Greatest adventure of my life, well... Okay, the second most greatest adventure of my life.

Listen up people because what I am about to say will totally change the way you look at me as a person.

You know they say that the best things in life happen when you least expect them, well, this is one of those 'least expected' moments. It all began when I set out of my house, today evening, to buy myself a pack of Classic Milds. Little did I know that I would come the closest I have will ever come to actually hooking up with a woman\women, ever. I actually lost my conversation-ginity.

So on the way back, while walking toward my house, who should happen to stop next to me in a swanky, black, brand new BMW, choosing me out of the millions of other single guys walking on the road at the time? Two hot damsels in distress, apparently in need of my help in navigating through this constantly spinning carousel, a smörgåsbord of exhilarating experiences you puny mortals like to call 'life' a.k.a the mad bad world.

Swinging into action, I strove to quickly... as the cliched American characters in sitcoms often say- "bring it on"

I felt like a real life Adonis, Brad Pitt even, heck, I almost felt; White! (As in the race)

The one riding shotgun lowered her window and asked me in the sweetest voice ever, "Can you tell us how to get to this place called Aruna Enclave ?" I play it cool, take my time and try to recall where was it that I had heard this name before ? Oh yes, the conversation is taking place next to a HUGE signboard about 8 feet tall with the words 'Aruna Enclave' printed in big black bold letters on a ocher yellow background ? So I bring on the aforementioned 'it' and in the most casual way possible, say "Um, you see this board here ? It says turn left... I think you should turn left here ?"

A little giggling, embarrassed smiles and they took the left! How cool is that ? See, I am not that lame. I actually spoke to real women, yay!

Although...

The story would have kicked more ass if I didn't have to exaggerate a few details, like the 'sex' of the occupants of the car.

Yeah, I lied, they were male :(

And I was the only guy walking down the road on a hot summer day :(

And it was a beat up whiteTata Sumo :(

And yeah, I had to tell them how to take the left :(

And the guy sounded like he had just deep-throated some guy, he sounded like Casey Affleck. yuck, I think I am going to brush my ears now.

But, all was not wrong with the world because I think the signboard was totally taller than 8 feet :D

And ocher yellow ? Does it kick ass or what ?

I rule! Quite a quixotic adventure I must say.

And why do I feel that the 'gay' jokes will only get worse once I publish this ?

(Totally true story by the way.)

Androgyn-geist

Allow me to introduce to you, Chauncey, who is technically speaking the personification of the dichotomy of Good and Evil. He was kicked out of both Heaven and Hell because they didn't know what the fuck he was. So now he is stuck with us, here in this meta-physical manifestation of existence, you might ask what is his 'entstehen', I think that he is the logical outcome of the law of causality being followed through(as it often does), if we were to think of 'Good' and 'Evil' as being the two sides of a coin, then he is the 'coin'

If those terms are a bit too obtuse for you, congrats you are NOT a nerd, sadly the same can not be said of me :(

So in laymen terms, he is just a nice guy who is omni-present, alas no one takes him seriously due to his 'being everywhere doing nothing' quality.



I know that I am somewhat breaking the fourth wall here, but my 'Artistic skills' are plainly seen in my drawing above, please feel free to send me money and\or gifts in appreciation of my superior ability, oh and I also accept cheques :)

Astro-illogy

I got my Horoscope done, not that I believe in it, I just wanted to see what it would predict. It starts off quite promisingly.

The usual stuff that everyone says to me; that I am too self-critical, prone to pessimism, and that one of my best points is the fact that I have the 'ability' of self-deprecation. Yay! apparently, it is an ability now. If only someone would pay me for this talent of mine. And... to make things worse none of these attributes makes me any more alluring to members of the opposite sex than say, a wet dishrag. To think that I once thought that humility was reason enough to make the girls swoon in admiration and awe for me :(
Why this sudden emphasis on women ? You'll see.


And then it goes on about how I will not have a problem as far as finances are concerned, a sigh of relief from me at this point.

This is where it stops making sense and starts to go completely bonkers.

The next thing it tells me is that...

(Hang on, you have to brace yourself for this, because when I heard this I wanted to bitch slap the fucking astrologer, I honestly felt that it was a joke when he said this.)

'You are very popular with the girls, and you will always be surrounded by them and you will have trouble choosing from among them.'

A minute to cool myself down.

(Breathe!)

(Breathe!)

(Breathe!)

WHAT THE FUCK!
Are you shitting me ?
what a load of bullshit.
I've been duped.
Astrology is a scam!
it is worse than FASCISM!
I would have rather payed someone to kick me in the balls!

(*clearing throat) Hrmgh ghrgrh
Because, I am sure all of you know that;

it has been ages since I have spoken to a girl.
I don't have a girlfriend and have never had one.(A consequence not of reluctance on my part but of my amazing social graces that would put a retarded monkey to shame, oh and also my sarcastic wit which just drives them wild :D )
This is the one thing about me that I am most sensitive about.

So my advice to you is, to 'STAY AWAY FROM ASTROLOGY!'


--------------------------------------

Listening to 'The Great Lake of Kiev' - Mussorgsky

Anyone ?

Sunil tells me to make a mixtape and put it up on Gigpad.com
I want to put it up here, but I am not sure if even one person will download it ?

I was with him the day before he was to leave. He had a flight at somewhere around 5AM, we got quite drunk, slept at 2-3 AM and I think he woke up and switched off the alarm and went right back to sleep.

"Did he miss his flight ?" you ask ? what do you think ? :P

Careless you think ?
(He is going to kick my ass if he reads this. Muahaahaa!)

Anyway, here is the Stag's guide to pubbing in Hyderabad:

Beg, Borrow or steal a girl

or

Go to "Club 8" (The only place which allows stags and where a glorious 'Sausage Fest' awaits thee.)

------------------------------------------
Listening to 'Rain When I Die' - AiC

Dams and other types of Mounds.

I am in a funny mood these days. I was jaywalking all over the internet as usual, when I came upon a photograph which I had seen a long time ago, I remembered it for one reason, a dorky looking teenage guy with a smug look on his bony face, wearing a T-Shirt with the following words printed in large bold red letters, on it :

"Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes. Thank You."

To hell with being PC, (I confess that) for me, this is an enormously funny thing to write on a T-Shirt,t don't you think so too ?
The sheer audacity and cheek involved in coming up with such a sentence is something I wish I had.

Also, here is another something I rediscovered : The Dam Letter

P.S I hate people who use the word 'Kudos', I just don't know why.

-------------------------------------

Listening to 'Daylight Robbery' - Imogen Heap

Blue.

I crashed my car today.

Fuck, I feel like a moron.

Was getting back home from the school.

There is a college on the way.

Saw this chick walking a sexy walk.

She was wearing blue, my favorite shade of blue.

Cornflower blue.

And no, I am not gay

Anyway,

I passed her by.

I wasn't satisfied with just a second's worth of 'view'

I kept watching her in the rear-view mirror.

My eyes were where they weren't supposed to be.

So...

I scraped the side of my car against an incoming auto.

I lost my side-view mirror.

I lost my self-dignity too.

I felt blue, real blue

But I had a good laugh at myself.

And I saw the carcass of my side-view mirror on the road.


-----------------------------------------

Listening to Ms Lazarus - Hum

Friends like these.

Victorus: So what are you thinking right now ? don't lie,
right then, at the instant I asked you.

Pluvius: Thinking...

Victorus: Don't be a smart ass...

Victorus: Haha.

Victorus: Funny.

-----------------------

Listening to In Fiction - Isis