Indianism.

Have you ever wondered if you are truly Indian at heart?
That an authentic Indian heart beats within the confines of your chest, and that you are worthy of being an Indian and holding an Indian passport? After all, getting a passport in our country is equivalent to performing the twelve labors of Hercules, and that too without his powers. Case in point, the guy in front of me when I had gone, unsuccessfully, to renew my passport; was asked to go back home for the third time because the bank manager, this time, had signed on the wrong side of the letter. Anyway that is besides the point.


Ooh Ooh, can I have mine in Purple?

What were we talking about? Oh yes: do you wonder if you are truly Indian? if you do, do not fear for I, karbage, most gracious; most merciful, purveyor of the three worlds, knower of the unknowable, custodian of the two holy tenets: freedom of speech, and the "leave me alone" directive, have come up with a sure fire test to give you hapless mortals concrete proof of your indianness or its lack thereof.

Test: In order to perform the test you must find the northeast direction, which is why I would prefer you did the test on a laptop, and read out the following prayer, you must make sure that the direction is NE as Vaastu commands you to utilize the positive vibrations that propogate along the lay lines which lie in that cardinal direction.

"Lord God, It is I, your humble creation, I seek your guidance in solving a particular problem that is haunting my conscience. I need to know whether I am truly Indian or not, so I would like to pressurize you to come forward and reveal to me the answer to my humble question."

Now, here is the actual test, IF at no point of time during the prayer did you laugh out loud because you saw yourself putting your god, whosoever it might be: jebus, FSM, or Xenu, in a cooker with some water and...

Then, you my friend are definitely Indian inside. In which case you are entitled to wear the Indian Inside tee, as this woman who has undoubtedly passed my test, has done. On a side note doesn't the chick look like chief Wiggum's long lost daughter?


Available in all sizes and shapes.

Your author unfortunately Phails this test big time, and was subsequently beaten by his mom for laughing out loud when she used the word "pressurize" in a non-engineering context

Brou-ohno

[background to this article:

me: I want an innovative article, on a subject that no one has thought of.
karbage: Hmmm... You could write one on politics.
me: Yeah, but everyone is writing about it.
kargabe: So make it unique and interesting, then.
me: But I know jackshit about politics.
karbage: make shit up, and add pictures, lots... of... pictures]
-------------------------------------------

Is there anyone else out there who is sick and fed up of this whole Election euphoria?

Anyone else out there who wants to kick those people in that 'jaagore' ad? You know the one... where a wise-ass midget and his billy goat-like concubine resort to bullying in order to, ironically, 'force' people to utilize their 'freedom' to vote. And if I am mistaken and it is a duty not a right, then I want out of the country.


Yup, this guy. Don't you want to knead him in the balls?

Anyone else who wishes that all these political parties shut the hell up and their members commit seppuku?

Phew, I feel better now. Much better.

Right, what I want to say is that there is really no party that deserves to come to power, the congress claims to be secular and claims to look after the minority groups, well, they had the country in their grasps for almost 50 years, and what did they do? nothing. The BJP is equally bad, and is good mostly for infighting and shooting itself in the foot. the left is still, I shit you not, STILL blaming the Zionists and the Imperialists for its woes. Let me say that again, they are blaming 'people who want their own Jewish homeland' and 'people who followed a now extinct European ideology' for their problems.


ONOZ, a Zionist!!!!!!!eleventyoneone1111111!!! Run away!

I was supposed to write a much longer article but I just realized that whatever I am going to say has already been said a million times before, so instead I am just going to say: Fuck It, I am not going to vote, instead I will sit at home and relax during the holiday that they give doing something more productive and fulfilling like staring at a wall or perhaps I could try self-trepanation. Which I hear is a pretty simple operation that one can easily do at home, observe:


[admittedly, this article has been poorly thought out, but that is what happens when Indian Politics gets involved. Maybe I should try contesting. I have the prerequisite minimum stupidity]


The jaagore website; forgetting that not everyone is eligible to vote.

monkey business again

Originally published Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Here is a short 'story' I had written a while back, it was liked so I thought I would put it up here again. It's been long anyway.

Monkey Business.

Meanwhile, back at TeeCeeEss on the day of the big 'Client Visit', a day when the clients visit the development center to make sure their money is being spent in the right areas.

Characters:

Mr Deepak: Project Manager, has hung around at the company because no other company would even dare touch him. Earns literally a few peanuts per day. Is very happy.

Peepee: A wild rhesus monkey. Has a penchant for throwing his faeces at people when irritated. Earns a few peanuts per day, isn't happy, wants more.

Mr Rahul: A programmer who adores the company, is willing to work 20 hours a day at the expense of his personal life, so much so that he hasn't any left anymore. Earns a peanut a day. Is very happy. In fact feels he doesn't do enough work to deserve a WHOLE peanut.

Mr Jack: A gullible American. Thinks that all Indians are so cool! can't digest the fact that the kids at the center are almost 30-40 years younger to him. Earns so much money, I can't even count till there. Is not happy, wants more to pay for the mortgage on his villa.

------------------------

Act 1
=====

It is 9 AM, every one is busy trying to look busy.

The Client comes in to the development center with his entourage of white colleagues and some Indian suckups, it is the middle of the day on a hot summer Friday and they are wearing suits. The Slaves Zombies Programmers have been denied that little joy and have been asked to come wearing formals on casual Friday so that the lowly Indians look a bit more presentable to the White folk.

The client's 'posse' stops near a group of Slaves Zombies Programmers, who have been coached.

Mr Rahul: Sir, we write code here that takes the information coming from the US, and then we use Fermat's last theorem as a cost effective leverage to extract the required information, on which we apply an nth derivative fractal transform, and we convert the dollar amount into rupees. We then map the values onto a 3-dimensional matrix space which is np determined which allows us to get a dollar amount back again. We then pass this back to you.

Mr Jack: I like the sound of that. I mean Wow, Impressive! Do you guys need anything else ?

Mr Deepak: Oh yes, we would like you to increase the contract rate to 40$ an hour.

Mr Jack: Sure, sure, anything, I like your team's dedication.

Mr Deepak: Oh and one more thing Mr Jack, we would like you to pass the directive for a new 'team-member'. His name is Peepee. I would like your permission to initiate his VISA process.

Mr Jack: well, Indian names are difficult to pronounce aren't they ?

Mr Deepak: someone, call Peepee.

(Peepee is escorted to the entourage)

(Mr Jack is perplexed.)

Mr Jack:Are you sure you want THIS... ?

Mr Deepak: Oh yes sir.

Mr Jack: But...it is a monkey!

Sir! 'HE' is a new recruit
[he is sensitive about being called it, sir] (he whispers).
He is a brilliant programmer, we need him to leverage the...

(Mr Jack cuts in)

Mr Jack: Yeah, yeah, I understand, but...

Mr Rahul: Sir, he will bring productivity up by 49.8641%

Mr Jack: Ok, Ok, Initiate the process. By the way, what is his skill set ?

Mr Deepak: Well, he is proficient in Java, .NET, PERL, HTML, CSS, SAP, PHP and poop throwing.

Mr Jack: poop what ?

SPLAT!

Who art thou ?

The Feedjit widget at the bottom of the page is how I keep track of the visitors to my site, though its grossly inaccurate sometimes. I see about 1000 visits since I put up the counter on my blog, though about 900 of those hits must be mine :D
I know 4 people who regularly visit from 1) Arlington, 2) Worcester 3) Surat(Though sometimes its registers as Ahmedabad for some reason) and 4) um... Ok, So I know 3 people.
I occasionally see hits from Bombay, but I do not know who that is.

What I am basically saying is that I would like to know who all visit this lame ass blog of mine, I would be grateful if you could spend a moment of your precious time to write me a comment.

So could you ? Pretty Please ?

3AM and not a wink in sight :(
Sigh!