dancing in the dark and a fugue in the fall

Warning: Graphic language in this post. Also, I might sound like I am gay-bashing, but let me assure you that I totally support their cause, and that I think they should be allowed to do what they want to do. or succinctly 'not gay but supportive' - a phrase I borrow form Demetri Martin. Civil liberties must never be impinged on. And, oh yeah, while I am at it; screw the government! and fuck Apple! as well.

----------------------------------------------------

So there I was right? minding my own business, stumbling around, failing hard but failing quietly; unnoticed by anyone, well.. anyone who is a somebody at least, when all of a fucking sudden, out of the blue; bam! this person starts hitting on me.

What the fuck? I mean...wait a minute. This is surely not happening, not to me at least. I am not that guy, you know the guy that has this happen to him. Ever. I mean look at me, I can say such stuff without flinching or feeling the slightest bit of embarrassment, I am socially awkward and I look like crap.


What comes to mind when I think of 'being hit on' only, in real life; I am uglier and the woman is way shorter.

Well, if this is what it takes for me to experience female touch, right?


Typical reader's reaction to the previous comment of mine

So, here's the deal; the new sublet is basically an overgrown baby, he needs his elder brother to come and settle him in the new apartment, and this elder brother is the 'person'.

Wait. Let this sink in. So let me get this straight. The person. Who hit on me. Is. A. GUY, A MOTHERFUCKING GUY!!! OMFG this is fucking bullshit man. I mean I, like most people, like the odd bit of attention every now and then, but this is fucking ridiculous. I had consigned myself to the sidelines of everyday life, I like flying under the radar, going unnoticed is my specialty, so naturally I don't talk much to people and so the chance of being hit on is virtually nil. Now, this is fine by me, since I know that it ain't gonna happen, so I am content with my comics and my music and content being 'well known' among two or three friends, but then came along this dude like a real dude, with a dick! and he's hitting on me? This is some sort of cruel joke isn't it? and the worst part is that my gaydar is extremely under-developed which nicely segues us to the next part of my misadventure.

So, there he is showing too much interest in what I do, asking me to play the guitar for him, actually pretending to listen to my usual rapid-fire tutorial of progressive time signatures and the difference between Indian and Western musical instruments. and saying that I have a lot of hobbies pointing to the comic on my table and my skates on the ground. And I am all, 'wow, someone perceptive enough to notice all this, maybe I am finally getting the slight recognition I deserve' and that's when things got a little awkward, because right then my roomie sends me a ping on gtalk (from the next room) telling me that the dude is most probably gay and that is exactly when he comes and sits next to me; a little too close to me. So I hastily close my laptop lest he see that message and make up an excuse to leave the apartment.


My face when I realized what just happened.

With my rotten luck, I am even surprised I got worked up over this.

two's company

Sorry about the fact that I have been a wet rag the past few days people, I was feeling miserable due to some personal matters, but now, I have recovered, the only problem being that I am swamped with work. I am thinking of getting a dual degree, by adding an MS in Finance to my list :)

So I will have a lot more to do, also I want to complete it in 2 years, but trust me, the MBA is a cakewalk, I am taking 8 courses this semester which is 3 more than most people, yet I am doing well. This goes to show how hard this stuff is.

And like I said, although I have gotten out of my depression, it will be a while till I get to my manic state, that is when the fun stuff comes, today, I have a somewhat upbeat post disguised as a depressing one, hope you will like it.

Loneliness and I have had a relationship since so long, ironic as it may be, she’s been with me throughout my life. The word ironic reminds of a small tangent that I want to go off on. I have many American friends here at the school, and they are all very smart, very mature and intelligent people, but there is a large majority of Americans in my class that is exactly as the stereotype projects them to be, not very aware of the rest of the world, a little distant from people from other countries by living in their own cute little cliques, and so the other day, in the morning class a professor drew a map of the US to illustrate a point, then in the next class another professor did the same to which one guy says "Ah that is ironic" I mean I know it's his language and all- English, but good sir, that is not ironic, it is a coincidence, learn your own language people.

Anyway, back to my loneliness, I never feel like I am 'with' someone, because I need the person to be of a certain sort, and unfortunately, the people who do fit the bill, the very few, never seem to like me back. Oh well. But there is an upside to this, like Henry Rollins says, when you are lonely, you look at life in a different way, it is because you have so much free time. He says that loneliness adds a special little burn to sunsets and makes the night air smell better. And believe me, I was awestruck by how much I related to this. I often stare at the setting sun and wonder at the beauty of the sky, and this is not the typical beauty that lends itself to the eye from its symmetry, in fact, it is this very fact- that it is beautiful without symmetry that makes it so special. Would I have this free thinking time had I been un-lonely? I think not.

The second condition also holds true for me. I often everyday stay awake late, like right now, it is 3:00 AM EST and I just drank half a gallon of coffee. Guess sleep will have to wait, I am currently preoccupied with my favorite mistress- Loneliness, So when I go out to my balcony to smoke, I smell the fresh nightly air, free of pollution, and the crass noise that daytime tends to bring along like those pesky children that some parents find extremely fun to tag along to public places. The sweetness hits me because i will usually be preoccupied with how it would be to not be lonely. This is, in my opinion, the perfect definition of an epiphany, one that repeats itself every single time I go out to smoke. It never fails, a quality that I greatly admire, a difficult attribute at that, with very few humans capable of pulling it off.

And, when I smell the air, it makes me drift off, ever so slightly, into a beautiful world where existential thoughts have a physical presence, and they make me feel good, and I forget about how I don't know anybody, not my so called friends, not my parents, not anyone. Ah Philosophy, what woudl I do without you? Anyway, this existentialism makes me realize that I am alive, and although everyday is a struggle for me, trying to fit in with this strange human world; made up of smoke and water, I feel like my life actually has 'meaning.' I make it out of nothing, yet it is tangible, I need no empirical proof, and I need no evidence I know it a priori. Maybe this is what early humans mistook for a 'god' but we all know how I feel about that needless and pointless topic, now don't we?

So don't despair, especially if you are one of those people like me who feels more alone when surrounded by people, there is an upside to everything. My bipolar tendency is also a sort of blessing because in my manic state, I don't realize all this that I have just spoken about but I seem perfectly normal to others and feel perfectly normal myself and I lead a normal life for a few days. So you see, I have the best of both worlds.

It is good to be alive.

And as a parting gift, here is a saying I recently saw, and it is perfect metaphor for what I just went through ;)

She went her unremembering way,
She went and left in me
The pang of all the partings gone,
And partings yet to be.
- Francis Thompson

HNY

I stare at the Setting December sun,
its seen so many of these.
For some, its a time of happiness.
For some it's just a tease

There is a world, that, I've been told
where people seem to breathe
But what am I? cause truth be told
a man who cannot be.

-S.Meer

karbagisms - Religion

Fuck religion.
Yeah fuck all of you morons who believe in it.
oh wait, fuck god,
who the fuck does he think he is?
making a system that is imperfect
What is this shit? the low self-esteem prophet?
And what is all this bullshit about the sanctity of life?
it isn't fair, and it ain't pretty,
screw you do-goodie two-shoes
and all these bastards
whose parents you wish never met
who go prancing around;
like as if the whole thing
is so great and awesome, gay ass shit is what it is
I tell you.
if speaking your mind is a sin,
then book me a one way ticket to hell
I don't care of the consequences...
But this is really fucked up.
And I don't like it one bit.

Visa part 2

So, where was I? Ah yes, I believe I was trying to show you how hard it is being me. Continuing from where I left off; So I am in the aircraft and I can see that this is not going to be the normal kind of flight, the people in this flight are mostly first time fliers or something, because every aspect of the plane seems to be fascinating them. Ever seen 60 year old grandmas with stained and or missing front teeth, going gaga-googoo over the scenery outside the window? all while standing in their aisle seats during takeoff? it is not a pretty sight folks. And for some reason, they all have shaved heads. Paranoia kicks in, what if these are the adherents of some obscure sex cult... what if they decide to release Sarin in the flight? or have an orgy, holy sweet mother of god, I think I would prefer that the plane just crash on its own.

I am sure there is no way they could have detected this sort of a plan, not in a country like India at least. And what do you know... the air hostess who was rude to me, is now struggling to make them remain seated. I am sitting in the last row, which according to my crazy crash phobic mind is the safest row in the aircraft. As soon as the pilot switches off the seat belt sign, fourteen, yeah you heard it right 14 of these middle aged, men and women, none of whom, save one, knows English, come to the back of the plane and make a line to use the loo. Now either their body functions are in sync, or they all couldn't wait to see what happens when you piss in an aircraft, does it fall down, hurtling through space striking random unfortunate old ladies [yeah, yeah, you must all have seen it, that image of a lady impaled by a yellow 'stick' purportedly frozen urine from an aircraft] just like our good old railways does it. Their motto: "Out of sight; Out of mind." Probably.



One gentleman looking especially lost, calls the air hostess. And then proceeds to ask her when the plane would land at Santa Cruz. And of the 40 or so people who heard it, I was the only one who burst out laughing. What is this? do we Indians lack a sense of humor? How the hell does one board the wrong plane? She then dutifully explains that the plane is in fact going to Delhi and not Bombay.

2 and a half Hours and many circles of Delhi later, our plane gets clearance to land on the new runway that opened recently, it is one of the longest in Asia, but do we have any cause for cheers? No! because it takes the plane another 15 minutes to reach the terminal from there. Now imagine this. The plane is taxiing, and its a bumpy ride, there are turns that need to be executed, and my awesome co-passengers are celebrating their return to hallowed Terra-firma by disregarding all safety procedures, one is trying to open the overhead compartment, endangering the heads of the passengers below, he gets a firm scolding and retreats amidst our laughter, all of them are calling up their homes to inform them that the plane has landed. Another line is forming for the the last chance at going to the 'plane toilet.'

Boy am I glad to be back on ground, ah, Delhi is a relaxing 35 DEGREES CELSIUS!!! in the middle of the monsoon. They open the aircraft door and hot air starts rushing in, trying to impress its dominance upon us mere mortals. What the hell am I doing here? I haven't been to Delhi in 14 years and I feel like I am a foreigner the minute I step out of the airport. To be continued...

Ode to my Cigarette.

Kurt Vonnegut described smoking [pall Malls] as a classy way of committing suicide.

Most people forget why they started smoking in the first place or why they continue to do so because if you ask them, they'll almost definitely say that they don't feel the kick anymore.

Maybe it's Physiological, maybe its Psychological, maybe it's neither, but they do feel good to smoke.

As for me, I feel that the reason I smoke is definitely psychological in nature.
Here I describe how I feel when I smoke, feel free to close the window if you don't feel like reading this.

Ode:

I had just found out that my one little dream had been shot down
shot down even before it had a chance to lift off of the ground.
Squashed like a wingless insect.
My sister; is in the living room
she's watching some crap on the television.
I have to smoke a cigarette, that would calm me down,
help me overcome another devastating setback.
I lock my room, get into the loo.
I feel safe away from people.
There is no draft no breeze,
the surroundings silent from the lack of any kind of motion.
It was serene and calm.
I moved slowly to avoid disturbing the tranquility of the air.
I see myself in the mirror. How did it get this way ?
The problem is before me, smack on my nose, as is often said.
I light the match, its more romantic than using a lighter
The lighter with its garish plastic
and aluminum foil parts and its dead flame.
The flame dances, inviting me to its deadly warmth.
A devil it may be, but not one in disguise.
I light the smoke, and take a drag while I watch myself in the mirror.
The lit end; a beacon of the very life that is in me.
I watch as I slowly kill myself, the classy way!
Does this count as suicide ?
I see the plume of smoke disappear into my face.
Its full of poison, and it only harms me,
but at least it is honest.
It has no human faults
but has a life of its own.
I savor the feeling of self-destruction,
while I think of opportunities past.
I stare into the mirror but look into the distance.
I exhale, slowly, I want to watch the smoke leave me forever.
The smoke is my friend.
It exits, and swirls around, I wish I were high right now.
It dances and it mocks me,
it dances like a victorious warrior.
It trips and it overturns, fighting with itself,
Could the most beautiful flower in the world
beat its natural elegance ?
I would think not.
I have no regrets,
I take in another drag.

Its time is up, I extinguish it.
I will however never forget it.
It may be a one-night stand
I may be in an abusive 'relationship'
but at least it is not fickle.
I can have one when I want to.
And in the long run that is all that matters.

I!

==Warning==

Disclaimer ahead.

==Disclaimer==

It is a sad situation that all of my posts need a disclaimer. So go ahead read the disclaimer;

Okay, here is a post, otherwise known as a 'vanity post', where one describes oneself in flattering words, which is being posted here, by me, under the laughable assumption that readers would be interested in finding out more about me.

So, if you are put off by pompous pontification, blatant fabrication, quixotic fantasies, or outrageous blasphemies, (well... Ok, maybe there won't be any blasphemy here, I just made the last one up for the rhyme.) I'd suggest you not waste your time by reading any further.

I usually, never reveal these, but I am a little high right now, and will regret putting this up a little later, but I am trying to be a normal human and this is my first step

-------------------------------------

The actual Post.

Things you probably didn't know about me:

1) I feel detached from everything, and often I forget who I am for a short while, I feel like I am watching myself from a distance, after having floated out of my body, I guess this is what makes existentialism so interesting for me.

2) I can read and write Arabic! yeah I can :( I don't know why.
ﻮﻳﺨﺖ ﺴﺎﻏﺮ (my name)

3) I have the will power of a kid in a candy store, yet I went from smoking 2 packs of smokes per day to just once a week, cold turkey. Nope, no withdrawal symptoms yet

4) I have never gone for a single guitar class in my life, I guess it shows, Haha, no, seriously, I am pretty good! (I am not usually this confident, and I had to force myself to write the last line, but I am trying to be funny, so it doesn't matter.)

5) We opened for Motherjane in CREC, Calicut =)

6) When it comes to women, I still think that one day, someone will recognize my shyness for what it is, and not mistake it for arrogance. Well, there is another fanciful idea that will never come true.

7) I like helping people even if I know they won't be thankful, maybe being a martyr of sorts gets me off, a little.

8) I always try to be the last to reply, in a conversation, check the comments on this blog, they are usually even in number, unless I have replied to 2 at the same time, because I find it rude to not reply.

9) After watching 'My Sassy Girl', Pachelbel's Canon in D major makes me sad, every time I hear it. Its true.

10) If you have read till here, congrats, you have more patience then I will ever have, I will stop here, for I don't want to bore you.(Talk about wishful thinking!)
bye
----------------------

Listening to '3 Libras (Acoustic) ' - A Perfect Circle and hoping I don't make a fool of myself.

Astro-illogy

I got my Horoscope done, not that I believe in it, I just wanted to see what it would predict. It starts off quite promisingly.

The usual stuff that everyone says to me; that I am too self-critical, prone to pessimism, and that one of my best points is the fact that I have the 'ability' of self-deprecation. Yay! apparently, it is an ability now. If only someone would pay me for this talent of mine. And... to make things worse none of these attributes makes me any more alluring to members of the opposite sex than say, a wet dishrag. To think that I once thought that humility was reason enough to make the girls swoon in admiration and awe for me :(
Why this sudden emphasis on women ? You'll see.


And then it goes on about how I will not have a problem as far as finances are concerned, a sigh of relief from me at this point.

This is where it stops making sense and starts to go completely bonkers.

The next thing it tells me is that...

(Hang on, you have to brace yourself for this, because when I heard this I wanted to bitch slap the fucking astrologer, I honestly felt that it was a joke when he said this.)

'You are very popular with the girls, and you will always be surrounded by them and you will have trouble choosing from among them.'

A minute to cool myself down.

(Breathe!)

(Breathe!)

(Breathe!)

WHAT THE FUCK!
Are you shitting me ?
what a load of bullshit.
I've been duped.
Astrology is a scam!
it is worse than FASCISM!
I would have rather payed someone to kick me in the balls!

(*clearing throat) Hrmgh ghrgrh
Because, I am sure all of you know that;

it has been ages since I have spoken to a girl.
I don't have a girlfriend and have never had one.(A consequence not of reluctance on my part but of my amazing social graces that would put a retarded monkey to shame, oh and also my sarcastic wit which just drives them wild :D )
This is the one thing about me that I am most sensitive about.

So my advice to you is, to 'STAY AWAY FROM ASTROLOGY!'


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Listening to 'The Great Lake of Kiev' - Mussorgsky

Bangalore

I am off to Bangalore tomorrow,
which is practically 'India'
for the rest of the world.
My Mom's hometown
The city of my birth.
Maybe the city where I will die ?
who knows these things eh ?
I am going to watch megadeth
I feel like an engineering student again.
Will meet up old friends,
Will see familiar sights,
Will party, hence;
Will get drunk and stoned.
Woohoo!

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Listening to 'Ambuletz' by The Mars Volta

Anyone ?

Sunil tells me to make a mixtape and put it up on Gigpad.com
I want to put it up here, but I am not sure if even one person will download it ?

I was with him the day before he was to leave. He had a flight at somewhere around 5AM, we got quite drunk, slept at 2-3 AM and I think he woke up and switched off the alarm and went right back to sleep.

"Did he miss his flight ?" you ask ? what do you think ? :P

Careless you think ?
(He is going to kick my ass if he reads this. Muahaahaa!)

Anyway, here is the Stag's guide to pubbing in Hyderabad:

Beg, Borrow or steal a girl

or

Go to "Club 8" (The only place which allows stags and where a glorious 'Sausage Fest' awaits thee.)

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Listening to 'Rain When I Die' - AiC

Blue.

I crashed my car today.

Fuck, I feel like a moron.

Was getting back home from the school.

There is a college on the way.

Saw this chick walking a sexy walk.

She was wearing blue, my favorite shade of blue.

Cornflower blue.

And no, I am not gay

Anyway,

I passed her by.

I wasn't satisfied with just a second's worth of 'view'

I kept watching her in the rear-view mirror.

My eyes were where they weren't supposed to be.

So...

I scraped the side of my car against an incoming auto.

I lost my side-view mirror.

I lost my self-dignity too.

I felt blue, real blue

But I had a good laugh at myself.

And I saw the carcass of my side-view mirror on the road.


-----------------------------------------

Listening to Ms Lazarus - Hum

desk circles

Here is a 'prt sc' of my desktop, send me your's if your desktop is messier.
The wallpaper is that of crop circles.



edit: added a larger pic.

Zoso, you were right.

It was late.
I looked inside.
I found a secret.
A secret for my eyes.
while a sad song played somewhere.
then I remembered the 'mess', things were in.
The song now felt different.
had it changed ?
No the song remains the same.

Dark Gloomy Sunshine.

Disclaimer: The following post is quite depressing, please do not read it, if you,like me, get easily depressed\blue\etc... and would not like your 'holiday mood' to be destroyed. Cheers :)

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It is Sankranti again. When we were little, this was an intensely happy time. There were no worries that ate into your peace leaving behind gangrenous unhappiness, 'Pay Package' was an innocent verb back then, now it is a freaking noun. A dark sinister noun. Having fun meant forgetting your problems if any, now it means spending money and faking laughter with untrue friends.

On other days, you see poor little boys with their oversize and torn t-shirts and their soiled pants, who have miserable expressions on their faces, you feel pity for them, yet during sankranti, you see the same kids flying kites, happy as anyone can be, happy as anyone ever was, perhaps now, they pity us and our staying at home, and our bland food at expensive new restaurants. Life is not a burden for them it seems. It is not too much trouble buying and flying a kite.

Ask a man who earns a gazillion lakhs per annum on the other hand, in his hot new Mercedes Benz with its Top-Of-The-Line features, talking into his blackberry mobile, 'would you come fly a kite with me ?', and he will say that he is tired, has been flying throughout the week and can't afford to waste valuable sleep time, flying a piece of paper, besides he pays big bucks for his stress reduction program and he can't miss that.

Yes, let us do that. Let us waste our one chance running after pieces of paper, while turning a blind eye to the serenity of our existence, and the value of the time we've been given.

In short, what I want to say is that there was a time when I loved holidays because it was a joyous time, now(Actually, when I was a 'generic software engineer') I love them because it keeps me away from work and gives me time on my own.
-------------------------------

Listening to Wild World - Mr. Big

From the sublime to the ridiculous is but a step

Ode to Unknown.

What do I do ? with this strange attitude.
'Cause it won't take me to you.

Where will I go ? when this thing falls through.
'Cause you've left me all alone.

How should I feel ? For I know not who you are.
'Cause that's how it has always been.

Whom will I blame ? at the fat lady's call.
'Cause I've done the best I could.

When will I learn ? of the folly in my ways.
'Cause I cannot take this torment much more.

Why can't I be ? like the rest of the 'pack'.
'Cause I'd like to feel no more.

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Listening to Take 5 - Dave Brubeck quartet

'at least I mind my own business' SiegerKranz Meer