Nothing

This sad state of being
aggravates me to no end.
The form of my intent buried, unseen.
My mind wants what it can't have.
and my life; on the road to nothing
There is no rehearsal; and no retakes
This is what you have
and this what you'll get
this ordinary life bleeds me
while the truth promises no solace
and these that I hold so dear
just seem to disappear
and I try to hold on
but the rain in my head makes everything slip
I cry out for attention
but no one has an ear to lend.
I want to be someone else
but I know that this is not true
Now, I know what to feel
it makes it no easier.
I know how things will play out
I will do what I have to do
and then there will be nothing.

leif

And we are all victims
aren't we?
sailing in a sinking boat
the end is certain
its only the 'when' that is not
and we go about
pretending like this is not true,
and instead of helping our fellow passengers,
we seem intent on pushing their heads down
so that they drown faster than us,
like as if that will buy us some time.
And when our last breath leaves our body,
we know the truth and cant ignore it any longer
and it is at this time that we repent
and ask for more time and another chance
at doing things right.
But we will be denied this
for it is a little too little
a little too late.
And we got what we deserved.

karbagisms - Religion

Fuck religion.
Yeah fuck all of you morons who believe in it.
oh wait, fuck god,
who the fuck does he think he is?
making a system that is imperfect
What is this shit? the low self-esteem prophet?
And what is all this bullshit about the sanctity of life?
it isn't fair, and it ain't pretty,
screw you do-goodie two-shoes
and all these bastards
whose parents you wish never met
who go prancing around;
like as if the whole thing
is so great and awesome, gay ass shit is what it is
I tell you.
if speaking your mind is a sin,
then book me a one way ticket to hell
I don't care of the consequences...
But this is really fucked up.
And I don't like it one bit.

Nihil Sum.

Let's you and I go on a ride.
On our magic carpet we fly,
We float to a beach somewhere.
Just in time for dusk,
as the sun seems to go; "bye".

The dance of the heady blues
and the composed oranges,
it makes us happy.
But...
What what would it be ?
if it were not for us who feel,
and appreciate and discuss it.

The silhouettes barely hide;
their secrets, their motives.
Our friend; the sun, he winks,
we sail together he says,
But...
What would all this be ?
If it were not for us; who see.

It makes you wonder.
Is this all for real ?
or is it much ado about nothing.
--------------
Thanks to Today Is A Good Day from Flickr for the snap of dusk.

Ode to my Cigarette.

Kurt Vonnegut described smoking [pall Malls] as a classy way of committing suicide.

Most people forget why they started smoking in the first place or why they continue to do so because if you ask them, they'll almost definitely say that they don't feel the kick anymore.

Maybe it's Physiological, maybe its Psychological, maybe it's neither, but they do feel good to smoke.

As for me, I feel that the reason I smoke is definitely psychological in nature.
Here I describe how I feel when I smoke, feel free to close the window if you don't feel like reading this.

Ode:

I had just found out that my one little dream had been shot down
shot down even before it had a chance to lift off of the ground.
Squashed like a wingless insect.
My sister; is in the living room
she's watching some crap on the television.
I have to smoke a cigarette, that would calm me down,
help me overcome another devastating setback.
I lock my room, get into the loo.
I feel safe away from people.
There is no draft no breeze,
the surroundings silent from the lack of any kind of motion.
It was serene and calm.
I moved slowly to avoid disturbing the tranquility of the air.
I see myself in the mirror. How did it get this way ?
The problem is before me, smack on my nose, as is often said.
I light the match, its more romantic than using a lighter
The lighter with its garish plastic
and aluminum foil parts and its dead flame.
The flame dances, inviting me to its deadly warmth.
A devil it may be, but not one in disguise.
I light the smoke, and take a drag while I watch myself in the mirror.
The lit end; a beacon of the very life that is in me.
I watch as I slowly kill myself, the classy way!
Does this count as suicide ?
I see the plume of smoke disappear into my face.
Its full of poison, and it only harms me,
but at least it is honest.
It has no human faults
but has a life of its own.
I savor the feeling of self-destruction,
while I think of opportunities past.
I stare into the mirror but look into the distance.
I exhale, slowly, I want to watch the smoke leave me forever.
The smoke is my friend.
It exits, and swirls around, I wish I were high right now.
It dances and it mocks me,
it dances like a victorious warrior.
It trips and it overturns, fighting with itself,
Could the most beautiful flower in the world
beat its natural elegance ?
I would think not.
I have no regrets,
I take in another drag.

Its time is up, I extinguish it.
I will however never forget it.
It may be a one-night stand
I may be in an abusive 'relationship'
but at least it is not fickle.
I can have one when I want to.
And in the long run that is all that matters.

Dread and the restless mind.

I love the blistering summer.
because it makes even plain water taste like heaven.

And you know what scares me most about death ?
that after it happens, I will stop being me.

A wasted opportunity is the saddest thing in the world,
for what is done is done and can never be undone.

Blue.

I crashed my car today.

Fuck, I feel like a moron.

Was getting back home from the school.

There is a college on the way.

Saw this chick walking a sexy walk.

She was wearing blue, my favorite shade of blue.

Cornflower blue.

And no, I am not gay

Anyway,

I passed her by.

I wasn't satisfied with just a second's worth of 'view'

I kept watching her in the rear-view mirror.

My eyes were where they weren't supposed to be.

So...

I scraped the side of my car against an incoming auto.

I lost my side-view mirror.

I lost my self-dignity too.

I felt blue, real blue

But I had a good laugh at myself.

And I saw the carcass of my side-view mirror on the road.


-----------------------------------------

Listening to Ms Lazarus - Hum

Zoso, you were right.

It was late.
I looked inside.
I found a secret.
A secret for my eyes.
while a sad song played somewhere.
then I remembered the 'mess', things were in.
The song now felt different.
had it changed ?
No the song remains the same.

Ode to You

Welcome!
Welcome to my blog,
my very own embarrassment.
It is like no other.
Yet, its another among millions.
It might infuriate you.
It might leave you unmoved.
It is mine, altogether mine,
and I have no excuses.
You might never be back,
never remember it again,
Yet I appreciate you
For the sole reason
that you came here once.
Lent me your ears,
albeit for a while.
Maybe, some other time,
this mightn't have been the end.
You and I could have been friends.

---------------------------------

Listening to Runaround - blues traveler

Ode to Unknown.

What do I do ? with this strange attitude.
'Cause it won't take me to you.

Where will I go ? when this thing falls through.
'Cause you've left me all alone.

How should I feel ? For I know not who you are.
'Cause that's how it has always been.

Whom will I blame ? at the fat lady's call.
'Cause I've done the best I could.

When will I learn ? of the folly in my ways.
'Cause I cannot take this torment much more.

Why can't I be ? like the rest of the 'pack'.
'Cause I'd like to feel no more.

--------------------------------------------------------

Listening to Take 5 - Dave Brubeck quartet

'at least I mind my own business' SiegerKranz Meer

nihil ad nauseum

So, I am experimenting with a new style of writing(for me), it has obviously been done before, where they take a bunch of lines, all seemingly incoherent and unconnected, however when read together, they convey a very abstract feeling. This is my first attempt, and hence its a bit... um... pathetic for the lack of a more moderate but apt word. I would like to acknowledge my debt to Alice In Chains, my favorite band, as is apparent from my previous posts. Many of these lines are lyrics from my favorite AiC Songs 'Down In a hole' and 'Rain When I die'.

meh:
Off into the sky forever
And, then she calls my name
Did you say you would wait ?
Could you tolerate the absence of my presence ?
And did you ever care for self-reference ? Redundancy ?
Why can't I just hold you, for you ?
Why can't I care for you, for your sake ?
I think its gonna rain When I die.
Did you say 'No, this can't happen to me'?
You didn't know me at all, Didn't know me at all
I stole your crown, and cried a tear.
A tear for you, for me, for all there could be.
See how I decorate my grave.
Did you see, how I killed my desire ?
Did you see...





Thanks to AdrianaDesigner from Flickr for this snap, Thanks for releasing it into the Public domain.

-------------------------

listening to Late Goodbye - Poets of the Fall

' I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.' - G. Bernard Shaw