Wednesday, March 03, 2010

two's company

Sorry about the fact that I have been a wet rag the past few days people, I was feeling miserable due to some personal matters, but now, I have recovered, the only problem being that I am swamped with work. I am thinking of getting a dual degree, by adding an MS in Finance to my list :)

So I will have a lot more to do, also I want to complete it in 2 years, but trust me, the MBA is a cakewalk, I am taking 8 courses this semester which is 3 more than most people, yet I am doing well. This goes to show how hard this stuff is.

And like I said, although I have gotten out of my depression, it will be a while till I get to my manic state, that is when the fun stuff comes, today, I have a somewhat upbeat post disguised as a depressing one, hope you will like it.

Loneliness and I have had a relationship since so long, ironic as it may be, she’s been with me throughout my life. The word ironic reminds of a small tangent that I want to go off on. I have many American friends here at the school, and they are all very smart, very mature and intelligent people, but there is a large majority of Americans in my class that is exactly as the stereotype projects them to be, not very aware of the rest of the world, a little distant from people from other countries by living in their own cute little cliques, and so the other day, in the morning class a professor drew a map of the US to illustrate a point, then in the next class another professor did the same to which one guy says "Ah that is ironic" I mean I know it's his language and all- English, but good sir, that is not ironic, it is a coincidence, learn your own language people.

Anyway, back to my loneliness, I never feel like I am 'with' someone, because I need the person to be of a certain sort, and unfortunately, the people who do fit the bill, the very few, never seem to like me back. Oh well. But there is an upside to this, like Henry Rollins says, when you are lonely, you look at life in a different way, it is because you have so much free time. He says that loneliness adds a special little burn to sunsets and makes the night air smell better. And believe me, I was awestruck by how much I related to this. I often stare at the setting sun and wonder at the beauty of the sky, and this is not the typical beauty that lends itself to the eye from its symmetry, in fact, it is this very fact- that it is beautiful without symmetry that makes it so special. Would I have this free thinking time had I been un-lonely? I think not.

The second condition also holds true for me. I often everyday stay awake late, like right now, it is 3:00 AM EST and I just drank half a gallon of coffee. Guess sleep will have to wait, I am currently preoccupied with my favorite mistress- Loneliness, So when I go out to my balcony to smoke, I smell the fresh nightly air, free of pollution, and the crass noise that daytime tends to bring along like those pesky children that some parents find extremely fun to tag along to public places. The sweetness hits me because i will usually be preoccupied with how it would be to not be lonely. This is, in my opinion, the perfect definition of an epiphany, one that repeats itself every single time I go out to smoke. It never fails, a quality that I greatly admire, a difficult attribute at that, with very few humans capable of pulling it off.

And, when I smell the air, it makes me drift off, ever so slightly, into a beautiful world where existential thoughts have a physical presence, and they make me feel good, and I forget about how I don't know anybody, not my so called friends, not my parents, not anyone. Ah Philosophy, what woudl I do without you? Anyway, this existentialism makes me realize that I am alive, and although everyday is a struggle for me, trying to fit in with this strange human world; made up of smoke and water, I feel like my life actually has 'meaning.' I make it out of nothing, yet it is tangible, I need no empirical proof, and I need no evidence I know it a priori. Maybe this is what early humans mistook for a 'god' but we all know how I feel about that needless and pointless topic, now don't we?

So don't despair, especially if you are one of those people like me who feels more alone when surrounded by people, there is an upside to everything. My bipolar tendency is also a sort of blessing because in my manic state, I don't realize all this that I have just spoken about but I seem perfectly normal to others and feel perfectly normal myself and I lead a normal life for a few days. So you see, I have the best of both worlds.

It is good to be alive.

And as a parting gift, here is a saying I recently saw, and it is perfect metaphor for what I just went through ;)

She went her unremembering way,
She went and left in me
The pang of all the partings gone,
And partings yet to be.
- Francis Thompson


Divya said...

did you read the link i mailed you? depression's upside? sounds like that, bits of this post. :D

JerryKantrell said...

not yet, will read it now :)

Divya said...

kewl. especially the things looking more beautiful bit reminded me of that article. :D