Freedom of speech is such a farce in India, hence I would like to preface this article as being entirely fictitious and in jest. None of this is meant to be taken seriously ;)
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I am supposed to be taking this blog in a new direction. I want to use it to chronicle the fall of our neighbor that most fascinating of Mullahcracies, but there have been incidents at home recently which have caught my fancy and I will therefore use the first few posts to talk about these things.
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What is the world doing about the rising tide of Hindoo Terrorism which is slowly rearing its ugly head propped up by the buoyant Indian economy and clothed by the evil machinations of that oh-so-evil
No less than the Home Minister of our country the Shinde has come out and issued an official statement declaring rightly so that Hindoo Terrorism is the biggest threat that India and indeed the world faces in the coming few years.
Since I do aim to be the paragon of Journalistic Virtue by making all my reports as authentic as possible, I had a meeting with the Shinde to clarify its(1) statements. An excerpt:
Pictured: There is no picture of the Shinde available to us as we can't seem to find a single one that does not have this magical foot sticking out of his mouth for some reason. We are trying to contact the photographer form The Omen(1976) to find out what this might mean.
the Shinde: Hindoo terrorism is going to annihilate the world I tell you! (He says as he kicks his chair away, holds his clenched right fist close to his forehead while pointing the other hand back and to the left... back and to the left... back and to the left... of his body.)
Me: I may not be a hindoo but I have lived in India a long while, I don't see this, could you give me an example?
the Shinde: Oh yes, you see the other day I was going to the market to buy some fertilizer for er... My plants, and then to the electronics store for a radio receiver for er... My son's model helicopter when the terrorist Hindoo baniya who was driving the Auto asked me for 1.5 times the meter because of all the extra weight. If this is not proof enough of Hindoo terrorism, then I don't know what is.
Pictured: A seasoned RSS Sainik(warrior) getting ready for battle against the Mlecchas by donning face paint used for camouflage as he smokes some vile Ganja, a schedule 1 drug that they use to strengthen their resolve and give them confidence, as we all know Hindus are all short and dark and also cowardly when not stoned(2)
Pictured: A BJP foot soldier prays before heading out into battle with the mleccha. Note the traditional fighting instrument, the Trishul, the weapon of choice for the misogynistic Hindoo god Shiva.
But we have been told many times by our liberal, forward thinking elites in the country that terrorism has no color nor religion so how is it that with 'Hindoo Terrorism' no one is protesting? Are these government servants secret hindoophobes hiding in the metaphorical closet of pseudo-secularism? or does it all actually make sense?
Some of the more vicious Hindoo readers might assume that this is some sort of institutionalized racism, but you are wrong. You see when that original statement was offered, they had no idea that people with malicious intent such as yourself would twist this statement around to try and include even those religions that are not religions of peace such as Hinduism. Now we know which religions are peaceful in nature and also that one religion which is the undisputed champion amongst the religions for as far as peace making is concerned, but surely not Hindooism, in fact, some would say that Hindooism is not even a religion. It is just an ideology which breeds hatred and terrorism as we have all seen.
In short, since no religion promotes terrorism but Hindooism promotes terrorism, it follows that Hindooism in not a religion.
QED.
So, we have proved that Hindooism is not a religion, now as an ideology how is it that this one is able to get its adherents to do its bidding? Borrowing from Richard Dawkins' memetic treatment of religions, we see that the concept of Hindooism is a self-repeating and dangerous meme that has all the necessary constructs required to ensure its propagation As per our research, the following are the fundamental principles which all Hindoos are forced to learn and revere as sacred as soon as they are born. Failure to do so often results in being beaten to death, or having the legs burned with oil.
a) Hindoo ideology is the literal work of god, and you cannot escape his wrath if you fail to follow any of the commandments.
b) It is your duty to convert others to following this ideology or kill them if they refuse.
c) The people and indeed objects such as cultural artefacts that don't believe/subscribe in the Hindoo concept of Dharma are Mlecchas and are to be eliminated.
d) If you die fighting in the holy internal war known as atma-jnana or self-realization, you go to heaven where Vishnu will provide you with 108 immortal ripe coconuts or a 108 Green Cards (depending upon the translation).
e) You are allowed to cheat(I am looking at you Baniyas), hoodwink, and feign friendship with the enemy in order to gather time to strengthen up, and win their trust so that you can stab them in the back when they are not looking.
No doubt, this kind of radical, supremacist ideology needs to be dismantled. For more proof, take a look at any country with a Hindoo population. Let's consider the US, France, Spain, Pakistan, India, Bali, Nepal etc. the one other thing these countries have in common is that they have all been victims of Terrorism. Now it doesn't take a Burkha Dutt to figure out that this is probably due to Hindoo terrorism.
The writing is on the wall, we need to teh feaaaaar of teh hindoos and their scary flip flops and teh their number crunching calculators!!!
(1) Sic, we consider the Shinde to be a weapon of mass destruction and hence the honorific of deeming it a non-living object in order to pay homage to the destructive nature of this weapon.
(2) As per any respected government sanctioned Textbook in the peaceful, sleepy little republic of Pakistan.
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