My inability to find an idea, the idea that I can use as a focal point of my existence, an idea that will seem profound and important enough to exchange my life for, frustrates me. I feel like a reluctant Nihilist, like a blind man, groping around in the dark, searching for the reassuring coldness of a railing.
Maybe I am lucky in a sense, for my feelings never seem to comply with the dualism that most usually accept as inherent in them, i.e 'good' or 'bad' feelings. Remember learning about complex numbers in school ? and then when you finally thought to yourself that you were getting somewhere close to understanding how they worked, that was when they asked you to plot it on a number line, and *poof* looking at the solution, you knew that thinking outside the box would never be your strong point.
The solution involves going perpendicular to said number line, introducing this second dimension to an otherwise uni-dimensional universe seemed a little like cheating, like ripping off an imaginary god, finding a bug perhaps ??? Yeah, that is how I feel when I look at ordinary everyday things, mundane things like whether I will enjoy a particular cup of coffee depend not on how well it's been prepared but instead on the flurry of emotions that I feel while drinking it, sounds cool huh ? well it's not. It sucks that every waking moment is so 'heavy' and it tires you out.
Unfortunately I am not being paranoid, although I wish I were.
So how do I combat this ? [and no, I won't take medication just because I am bipolar]
Too boring a post ? Here look at this and smile. Not everything has to make sense you know.