Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Suicide. Mine.

My last Farewell.

I gave up today. I just did. Personally I found this strange because I always though that I would experience a life changing event, if at all, and that that would eventually push me over the edge, a disaster that sucks your 'will to live' and leaves you barren. It never came, I just found myself bored and unmotivated one fine day, while I played a song on my guitar, and that is when it struck me that life, for me, had lost its sheen. Quite a bummer actually, but what can you do ?

It has always 'rained' in my head. I would, all the time, feel the presence of ominous gray clouds ready to dampen any sunny thoughts I'd have. But I always figured that it would get better. I'd tell myself that it would pass and leave me be. I can't do that anymore I can't pretend, everything seems so sad and just pathetic, and I know that things will only get worse. Like an unexpected death. Why do I feel that you won't be laughing at this joke of mine ?

When I was younger I had naively thought that when I grew up, and became a 'grown up' I'd have all the answers, there would be no more dark places where you didn't know what kind of danger or happiness lurked, but I was wrong. Growing up only made things worse and more complicated. And the worst part of all of this was when I realized that I had become an adult, and that I actually liked being a kid. Too bad we can't turn back time.

I gave up hope today, that hackneyed overused concept which paradoxically enough is not often mentioned, yeah, the same 'hope' that blinds us to live, to kill, to hate, to wish, to smile. Maybe we are all scared that we'll jinx it by talking about it.

My last wish is that when it finally does happen, my life flashes before my eyes as they often say it does. And then... I won't know what hit me

This is what I want.

Listening to 'Llorando' - Rebekah Del Rios

Warning - First of all, this is fiction, so take it lightly. Secondly, this a depressive post, do not read if you are bothered by such things.
Disclaimer - Truth be told, I never intended to write this disclaimer for the post that is to follow. The very purpose of the 'letter' was to see how people would react. I wanted it to be a sort of 'shock' because generally, people think that events out of the blue only happen to other people. Never to themselves or to the people they know and I wanted to see how you'd react, but then, I feared that I might be accused of resorting to a cheap trick, a gimmick to increase my 'readership' if such a nonsensical thing doth exist, and if so whether it would be possible to expand something beyond its natural seams. If I start explaining everything, then I am afraid that my fucking disclaimer will grow to be bigger than the post, sort of like how the trailer for a movie always looks cool, but the real thing turns out to be a damp squib leaving you hugely disappointed at the end.


Varun said...

shift the disclaimer after the note. it will be a more cool! :D

what is your choice of death?

JerryKantrell said...

I am thinking something big, like say it should involve an e***osion, news coverage and shocked housewives.
And you ?

Saturday Night Takeout said...

dude, wtf, please move the disclaimer to after the actual note, else the suspension of belief is never created. It's so well written, and the disclaimer makes it lose the charm.

JerryKantrell said...

There it is done.
This is the first article of mine which has taken more than a single sitting to write

Hashish said...

Well written...but i feel that the only thin that's fictitious in your post is the title. The contents are all facts.

As i speak INCI 08 is underway.. This time we had a concert by KK at a cost of about 10 Lakhs. This was a final effort by V R Sastry (he retired as dean student affairs) who retired and who also sang a song ("Mere sapno ki Raani kab aaiygi tu") just before KK got onto stage (kinda like an opening act). But i will tell you one thing. For an all hindi concert it was truly MIND-FUCKING-BLOWING !! And the number of visitor-chicks to INCI has gone up man...So much so that they have been given accommodation in 8th blk along with the same fucking TV room (i dont know whether this happened during earlier INCI's). But will put up a detailed post some time soon...

Varun said...

i like slow painful death, marriage i guess.

lol.. girls in nitk mens block tv room! did they flash?

JerryKantrell said...

ummm, flash ?
first; this is reality, and that too, in India.

Not happening.

why aren't you on gtalk nowadays ?