Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Suicide. Mine.

My last Farewell.

I gave up today. I just did. Personally I found this strange because I always thought that I would experience a life changing event, if at all, and that that would eventually push me over the edge, like a disaster that sucks your 'will to live' and leaves you barren and hopeless. It never came, I just found myself bored and unmotivated one fine day, while I played a song on my guitar, and that is when it struck me that life for me, for no discernible reason, had lost its allure. Quite a bummer actually, but what can you do ?

It has always 'rained' in my head. I would, all the time, feel the presence of ominous gray clouds ready to dampen any sunny thoughts I'd have. But I always figured that it would get better. I'd tell myself that it would pass and leave me be. I can't do that anymore I can't pretend, everything seems so sad and just pathetic, and I know that things will only get worse. Like an unexpected death. Why do I feel that you won't be laughing at this joke of mine ?

When I was younger I had naively thought that when I grew up, and became a 'grown up' I'd have all the answers, there would be no more dark places where you didn't know what kind of danger or happiness lurked, but I was wrong. Growing up only made things worse and opened up more scary corners with its unknown and unspeakable horrors designed by the brilliance of fate. The worst part of all of this; was when I realized that I had become an adult, and that I actually liked being a kid. Too bad we can't turn back time.

I gave up hope today, that hackneyed overused concept which paradoxically enough is not often mentioned, yeah, the same 'hope' that blinds us to live, to kill, to hate, to wish, to smile. Maybe we are all scared that we'll jinx it by talking about it.

My last wish is that when it finally does happen, my life flashes before my eyes as they often say it does, another meaningless, pointless exercise in futility that will happen just once and never again shall be repeated. It might very well never have happened.

And then... I won't know what hit me

This is what I want.


Divya said...

what's up?


JerryKantrell said...

it is a repost. Form a long time back